Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Emotionally Distraught, Depressed, Disturbed.....

Mom admitted herself to the hospital last Saturday.. got discharged today, somehow by her own request cos there is no more first class nor second class rooms available, although she is still in pain... bearing with open ward is not exactly an option.... with constant severe back and leg pain, the last thing she want to add to the pain is to bear with open ward (discomfort - noisy ward with fans only, hot weather etc)... looking at her situation, somehow hurt a lot inside of me.. worst of all, feeling helpless and knowing that I can't do much to make her feel better.. she got no appetite to eat these few days, sleepless nights, having side effects with the medication (drowsiness)... sigh....

I'm not sure if I have problems showing affection or is it I'm afraid that I am unable to control my emotion. As much I a wanted to do things for mom, to make her feel comfortable at least, to just give her a hug and tell her I love her, I am always afraid to show cos I know I will just can't control my emotion and start crying.... My relatives (aunts and uncles) went to visit yesterday... I can see mom lying there, unable to express and talk much as she is just in so much pain.. even she want to turn around or just move slightly to adjust her sleeping position seems to be a very difficult task. As they were talking to each other, I looked at her, and she looks at me with her teary eyes...  I know that it's just too painful for her.... and painful for me, I just wanted to cry there and then... I've never really seen mom in so much pain... well.. minus the heartaches she had while I was a kid... I grew up, really naughty, stubborn, rebellious and many other nerve wrecking stuffs.... but she still always manage to chase me and teach me some great lesson.... I would rather let mom chase me around and scream, scold and cane me now than to see her like that... it is just unbearable to see her like that.. I would rather take the pain off her and put it on to myself...

Maybe it was guilt too... mom got her back pain partly because of me... I can't recall but mom did mention before that when I was a little kid, there was once I insisted for her to carry me.. while she bent down to carry me, she hurt her back at the same time... and the pain kinda stuck to her until now... more than 20 years....

Every time I happen to go for prayers (although I don't do it often), but every time, I would ask God, Goddess of Mercy, the Buddha etc for family's health to be well taken care of, and happiness to always be around us, but when reality strikes, it's just not easy to handle.

I would have to go for training next week for 2 weeks in KL, and that also disturbs me pretty much because I will not be at home, to at least help up with the household chores during the weekends and to keep her company at least. Guess I'll have to leave this responsibility to my sister, my brother, my home body guard Rover, my Codie boy, and my dad (although I don't want him to do much.. he has got enough things to think and worry about... retirement is also around the corner..) .. now I feel more guilty cos I don't go home that often due to workloads and hectic schedules... but now I just wanna be home, I want to go home... I don't wanna go work... I don't want to be anywhere but home with mom....

Sigh.... I just want everyone to be healthy and happy.... not sure if mom feel better after the acupuncture session just now... it may not help much, but I definitely hope it'll at least ease the pain a little.... and I need to be stronger for mom too... me so emotionally depressed now... sigh.. I know she'll be better.. but can we fast forward to that now and skip the pain??

2 comments:

EY said...

Cheer up~ Your mum will recover soon. Jia you jia you!

Sean said...

Take it Easy.